(Dateline: Oslo)
SNL Cold Opening Skit (Season 51, Fall 2025)
Working Title: **Hot Mic/Nobel Peace Prize**
NOTICE: FCC Censored/NOT FOR PUBLICATION
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – FALL 2025 G7 SUMMIT – DAY
A grand ballroom dripping with diplomatic gravitas and overpriced bottled water. Elite technocrats swirl like exhausted sherpas, presumably tackling mega global issues. The air hums with the low buzz of translation headsets, media outlets upfeeds and international disappointment. Around the table sit golden placards of the names of all the G7 countries in attendance: Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, EU, the UK and the USA. Lords of less than a third of the global economy. Microphones are placed in front of each delegation’s name.
A whiteboard reads: “PAYING AMERICA FOR PEACE: A New World Order”
As the room empties with diplomats shaking their heads, two linger, gathering their papers slowly digesting what just happened: the Canadian and Italian Foreign Ministers.
ANITA
(sipping green tea)
Well, that was interesting.
(leaning into her counterpart)
Another thrilling installment of American Alternative History.
ANTONIO
(flat)
Yes. Apparently, facts don’t matter, it’s all about feelings in America now.
ANITA
(tugging her neck scarf)
Exactly. Like my moody teenager. She’s post-factual too.
ANTONIO
(hand gestures politely)
And somehow, they're lobbying for him to win the Nobel Peace Prize.
ANITA
(look of exasperation)
Can you imagine that? Twelve nominations?
(jokingly)
Kim Jong-un’s only had seven. But better hair.
ANTONIO
(gaffing)
Yes, I hear he has apparently made ten peace deals.
(a mischievous grin emerges)
People say.
ANITA
(smiling)
Yes, people say…The India-Pakistan ceasefire was odd.
ANTONIO
Indeed, their generals hashed it out. He was about as involved as a tourist eating samosas.
(whispering a bit)
We hear Modi’s pissed. And the Rwanda-Congo deal had to be a hallucination in a press release.
ANITA
Calls himself “peacemaker-in-chief.” I guess in his world “still fighting” counts as “mission accomplished.”
ANTONIO
Our Government thought it was rather hilarious when he declared the end of Israel-Iran hostilities…
(looking around the room)
Right after he bombed Iran. Classic.
ANITA
Not very Gandhi-like, is it? No peace agreement, no nuclear deal, no monitoring plan. But sure, give him a participation medal for Tweeting.
ANTONIO
Same with the Armenia-Azerbaijan deal.
ANITA
Yep. They already agreed to end Nagorno-Karabakh in March. He wandered in, took selfies, claimed victory.
He's taking credit for peace between Egypt-Ethiopia too.
(beat)
Impressive résumé padding. Even LinkedIn would fact-check that one.
ANTONIO
(chuckling)
I know. Not even a war. They’re discussing a dam project.
And don’t forget “peace in our time” coming out of Serbia-Kosovo.
ANITA
Right. Just protecting his newest hotel property, I’m betting. There’s no fighting. No bullets. Just awkward border tension. That’s like ending the Cold War between me and my cat.
(rolling her eyes)
The best one was when he threatened to stop trade talks unless Cambodia and Thailand behaved.
ANTONIO
Ah yes…peace through extortion. Clausewitz must be spinning in his grave. We heard Malaysia ran the peace talks.
(throwing up his hands)
But maybe they have a Nobel for bullying?
ANITA
He does say doves follow him.
ANTONIO
(leaning in conspiratorial-like)
They do—straight into a Kentucky Fried Chicken, I’m sure.
ANITA
(suppressing laughter with a hand-over-mouth)
Seriously though—has anyone done the body count on his global “peace” policies?
ANTONIO
(taking on a serious tone)
Last think tank I saw estimated about 1.5 million global deaths over 5–10 years from his rollback of humanitarian aid programs, climate inaction and healthcare defunding...
ANITA
Yep. Eight to fifteen years lost on climate. Two decades erased on human rights.
ANTONIO
Don’t forget the full-scale erosion of global cooperation frameworks.
(shaking his head in shame)
He’s got blood on his hands. People say…
ANITA
Honestly, maybe he’s up for the wrong prize. What’s the anti-Nobel?
ANTONIO
Good point. Unofficially speaking, yes. Maybe the Ignoble Prize for Dismantling Peace. Awarded for sustained excellence in global disruption, disinformation and defunding multilateralism.
ANITA
(shaking head in agreement)
You know what’s sad? The Nobel’s supposed to reward people who reduce human suffering. His policies? Have increased suffering—measurably. It’s all branding, not body count.
ANTONIO
You think the Nobel committee buys it?
ANITA
(grimace)
They gave it to Kissinger. Their bar is buried six feet under. Never underestimate the power of selective memory and a good tailor.
ANTONIO
Imagine his speech: "Only I could bring peace..."
(gaining steam with an animated sense of humor)
Forty-five minutes of "I, I, I," with brief pauses for applause and war rebranding. Probably wearing a red “Make Human Rights Great Again” baseball hat too.
ANITA
(suppressing laughter)
The committee wants transformative peace.
ANTONIO
He transformed conflicts Tweets, tariffs into bribes and silence into applause tracks.
ANITA
He insists history will remember him.
ANTONIO
Yes. Like history remembers disco: loud, regrettable and full of sequins. Felliniesque.
ANITA
(laughs, tosses napkin)
Vibes-based foreign policy. God help us.
Suddenly, a frantic AIDE bursts in—flustered, wide-eyed and waving a tablet.
AIDE
(alarmed)
Minister Tajani Minister Tajani!
ANTONIO
(finishing his espresso)
What is it?
AIDE
(breathless)
The mic…(pointing to the microphone in front of them)…it’s still live. Everything just said went live to the media room.
Beat.
The Italian Minister closes his eyes. Anita just grins and sips her tea…like a woman who planned it all along.
ANITA
Well. Guess that’s one peace process we actually started.
O.S. – A faint gasp from the translator's booth.
INT. CONFERENCE HALL – CONTINUOUS
Scattered, muffled laughter erupts across the room.
From the nearby MEDIA ROOM, soundbites echo through:
TV VOICE (CNN’s Wolf Blitzer)
(urgent)
Foreign diplomats just torched the U.S. President at the G-Seven summit—wait ‘til you hear this…
Fade Out:
Thanks for the privilege of your time, it is the most precious thing we have, and I appreciate it. Be well.
William D. Chalmers © 2025 All Rights Reserved.