Did you know that today, the 13th of August, is International Left-Handed Day?
Who knew right? Well, I did! By the way, my name is Bill and I’m married to one, a lefty. Does anyone know any good support groups to help me? Are there any good websites that can help me navigate through my ordeal? Maybe an intuitively designed lefty decoding app?
Now I know this piece might offend some, so ***Spoiler Alert***, I don’t care if I trigger a whole 10%—but closer to 7%—of the population with this, I can no longer hold my spousal peace and must say my piece.
I will be even-handed, it’s not like I have two left feet when it comes to writing, but I have had to deal with my wife’s handedness issues a long time. And it’s not like any normal illness, disability or disease…seems more a syndrome, or condition really. No, I got it. It is a disorder! An endearing one though.
And as my wife’s key supporter and protector, her right-hand man as it were, in solidarity with her, and maybe my other left-handed reader, not only will I attempt to do everything left-handed today…well, at least till breakfast—but I also would like to raise awareness to their plight, by examining how it affects me and my daily struggles dealing with a southpaw.
And frankly, there is a lot I have to deal with. Challenges galore. Where to even begin?
There’s opening tins, unscrewing jars and attempting to corkscrew open a bottle of wine, all painful to watch, as she inevitably turns counterclockwise—and now we have a collection of assorted electric openers, next to a pile of broken corks.
She loads the dishwasher backwards, uses the tape-measure upside down and can’t for the life of her focus the family microscope. Squashing more than a few insect specimens I’ve tried to share with her. And forget letting her look into a telescope. Science is just not her forte.
She puts belts on upside down and oddly organizing files “back to front”. Well, maybe that’s another disorder she might have? And the poor woman is prohibited from taking part in any family carpentry projects or helping me with my Honey Do Lists that include power tools. Seems left-handers are scientifically proven to be motor skills-challenged. Let me just say, we lost a dog once.*
And she’s banned from taking any smartphone family or travel photos, because each one she snaps is inevitably both upside-down and vertical instead of right-side up and horizontal. We have collectively had to school ourselves in photoshop editing skills. But still, it is kinda cute.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not left-handist. Or is it left-handedist? And I know the privileged position I, and the other 90+% of us right-handed population speak from, but just because she had trouble as a child sitting in school desks, winding a watch, getting pen ink all over her hand, couldn’t open ring binder notebooks, use scissors or measuring cups, had a hard time buttoning shirts, wearing oven mitts, ironing, using butter knives or soup ladles, ice-cream scoopers or cake cutters, that’s not our problem. That’s her truth, not ours. She should just be happy that I saved her from making a continuous series of bad choices swiping on dating apps—oops—wrong way again!
Being left-handed, clearly, she has a few—no, let’s be honest here, more than few—quirks. She is very unique.
Like attending a dinner party or restaurant social, where I have been forcefully trained to always sit to her right. It’s a nice side of her, but—because I have learned to dine with the Queen of Lefty’s with a minimal number of elbow bruises—I am always referred to as “the guy” on her right. Whereas I prefer to be known as the guy on the left. Although just between us, to make her appreciate me more, I occasionally seat some famous hunk on her left, and then amusingly, watch the elbow sparks fly. I pity the fool, especially when steak is served. Sucker!
Traveling with her can be a tad awkward too; frankly, she’s not very diplomatic. Can you say faux pas? You see, in Asia, it is extremely offensive (read inauspicious & dirty) to do basically anything with your left hand, which she is prone to unconsciously do—eat, touch someone, accept gifts, pass something, giving directions, signing things, or paying someone—aside from cleaning your feet and wiping your ass. The collection of offended faces I have photographed with her touching people with her left hand…is priceless. And we have been shooed out of many a Christian cathedral because of her blasphemously drawing the sign of the cross with your left hand. The mark of the devil. I just tell them all to cool down, no offense intended, frankly admitting, that yes, she is a witch. But a good witch, like Glinda.
BTW: Speaking of evil. Far be it from me to ever quote scriptures, but just what did Matthew 6:3 mean when Jesus instructed his followers that when they do charitable things, to “not let thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth.” I don’t either, nor do I believe in the devil, except for the cute ones on Halloween.
In offering her a backhanded compliment, I prefer to see my wife’s disorder as one of her many unique superpowers, like: her biscotti-making, her disarming warm smile and supreme level-headedness. And there’s also her uncanny ability to safely cross the streets of London where her cack-handedness comes in handy. She claims to be better at multitasking and smarter, because being semi-ambidextrous, that she employs both left and right hemispheres of her brain equally. Well, I don’t know about that—but I will vouch for the fact that she is a mysteriously strange problem-solver at that—so sure honey, whatever you say. Clearly, she’s anti-conventional and an ultra-leftist—politically too! But yes, she can use her mouse and write simultaneously, something us righties can’t do. So, yes, that is another superpower, such as it is. And in her defense, aside from her many wide-ranging feminine talents, my wife does kiss better than she cooks—and she is a fantastically great left-handed chef! I know, TMI; nuff said.
Yet our family’s favorite pastime while traveling is betting on watching her sinistral proclivities inevitably lead her astray. It’s so predictable, adorably so; twenty+ years running! Whenever we leave her somewhere (read museum shop or bathroom) and wait for her outside, we all gather directly across the street from the exit to watch in awe. Make no mistake, we are always directly within eye view. Yet when she exits, she quickly, inevitably, looks the wrong way, of course doesn’t see us, slightly panics, and cute as a button immediately starts walking willy-nilly, bet-ably so, in the wrong direction. Why? Well, I researched this anomaly, and found that despite most humans being right-handed…well, she, simply put, is directionally challenged. Forever destined to inevitably turn the wrong way. It just is. Accept it, I have. Yet my kids hope against hope, and I am richer for that naivete, because I know the ugly truth.
A saying I read resonates here: Left handers aren’t born frontwards or backwards – left handers are born oddwards. Indeed.
Did you know that the southpaw minority actually has a lobby group to help them bring awareness to their uniqueness, as well as our societal and cultural discrimination towards them? They do. That’s how they got today anointed International Left-Handed Day. There’s the Left Handers Club. Yep, that’s it. Seems the Association of Left-Handers and National Association of Left-Handed Golfers, lost their way long ago. Looking left instead of right, no doubt.
Sadly, left-handers legitimately do suffer several types of unconscious discriminations. Some 85% of Lefties sadly think of themselves as more awkward or clumsy than the average person, and despite facts bearing that out (more accidents indeed), that’s a pretty high level of self-loathing! Studies have also found that non-right-handers experience more negative emotions and react stronger to scary movies that righties. That’s a scary thought. A 2014 Harvard study found that left-handed people's salaries were, on average, 9 to 19% lower than their right-handed peers. That’s just wrong. And psychological research reveals a well-established link between left-handedness “divergent thinking” and inordinately suffering from psychotic disorders like schizophrenia and neuroticism. Hmmm…I get the divergent thinking part, because for some reason, maybe this, my wife’s slightly altered perspective doesn’t always allow her to see the obvious wisdom of my thoughts; but in her defense, the last I checked her medicine cabinet, she didn’t have any of those maladies. Restless leg syndrome, yes; but schizophrenia, no. And I am empathetic to the fact that lefties tend to drink more too, but that may simply be because they’re so odd…or the stress of being a minority in a right-handed world. We just don’t know.
On the flip side, it is said that left-handers are more introverted, logical, intelligent, and creative. Better at languages, tennis and boxing (seems southpaws confuse the shit out of us righties—and true enough). But this could all just be their lobby group spreading disinformation? Because they really just don’t know.
What I do know, is that I really can’t define or quantify what my left-handed wife means to me, because everything is taken.
* The dog in question, Yogi Bear, got hit by a car—maybe driven by a lefty.
Thanks for the privilege of your time, it is the most precious thing we have, and I appreciate it. Be well.
William D. Chalmers © 2022 GreatEscape Adventures, Inc. All Rights Reserved.